How Can I Not Love You
by ColdHeartBeat
Summary: After nearly two hundred years as a vampire, Bella Cullen wants out. She misses the warmth, the tears, and the heartbeat. Bella is ashamed that she is jealous of her own daughter for having Jacob.She wants to be with Jacob and she regrets choosing Edward. When a thousand year old witch offers her a chance to go back in time and change everything, she takes it.
1. prologue

Summary: After nearly two hundred years as a vampire, Bella Cullen wants out. She misses the warmth, the tears, and the heartbeat. Bella is ashamed that she is jealous of her own daughter for having Jacob. Her love for Edward had ended after forty years of marriage and she is uncomfortable while secretly loving Jacob who is married to her daughter. When a thousand year old witch offers her a chance to go back in time and change everything, she takes it.

My hand broke the vase I was holding as I clenched my fist. The green-eyed monster coming out again as I watched Jacob and Renesmee pull apart from their current make-out session. I don't care if they have been married for one hundred and seventy year, he is _my_ Jacob.

"Are you okay, mom?" Renesmee asked me.

I put on a fake smile "Of course, dear" I saw Jacob look at me for a split second before looking back to Renesmee.

My need for him was unhealthy, I know that but I can't help my want for him. I had tried to subtly seduce him on more than a couple occasions. The latest was merely two weeks ago. He was coming over to get the dress for Renesmee that Alice had bought her. I was in the bathroom when I heard him come through the door; everyone else was hunting so it was the perfect timing.

"Bella!" He had called out "You here? Nessie needs her dress that Alice bought her!"

"In here, Jake!" I called from the bathroom "It's in my room!" I could hear him bounding up the steps to mine and Edward's bedroom. The bathroom was connected to the bedroom, thankfully.

I dropped the towel I had on since I just finished my shower and was still partly wet. I opened the door and saw Jacob grabbing the flowing lavender dress from the hanger it was on. He looked up and his eyes widened, his hand fell limp to his side and dropped the dress on the floor as he stared at me, in all my naked glory.

"Bells" He gasped before jumping and grabbing Renesmee's dress and running down the stairs and out the door as fast as he could.

I could only sigh as I watched him leave. Another fail, I had thought to myself.

I looked down at the couple again and growled quietly. Renesmee was playing with Jacob's belt buckle and he was nuzzling his nose to her chest.

I took off through the window and started running before anyone noticed. I was seventy or so miles away when I stopped running. I started to think back on the last 200 years. Twenty-three years after the Volturi came, Edward met a young vegetarian vampire. She was beautiful, with straight black hair and bright golden eyes. She gave Rosalie competition. Apparently she was changed just three years before at nineteen by her older sister. Her coven was small, from Finland, only her two older sisters and she. Her name was Atela, she wasn't even conceived yet when Edward and I had gotten married. We met her and her sister's while shopping. There was a new clothing line that came out and Alice had to drag everyone with her, even the blind would see the immediate connection with Edward she had. They were mates. Edward and I weren't mates but I was his singer. Apparently from the information I gathered a singer is just the mate replacement, just there until the vampire finds his actual mate.

I knew that Edward tried to resist Atela but she was everywhere he went. Her power was teleportation and everywhere he would go, she would be there acting surprised. After three years I began to notice that Edward was more distance. Jasper and Alice would shot me sad looks. After five years, Edward began to leave and go on 'hunting' trip by himself more and more often.

I always had a feeling that Edward and I couldn't last an eternity after I was change. But when I was changed I was still young, my brain was immature and I was only after the eternal beauty and being with a handsome man forever. I can't help the disgust in my mind when I think about it. Was I really that shallow in my teenage years that I would give up my family and humanity for beauty and a guy? It's not fully my fault; I thought to myself, Edward should have known better. He was over a hundred years old, he should have known that a young seventeen year old girl would follow him about and would want to be with him forever. He even told me that a vampire is meant to attract humans; humans always succumb to the vampire's looks and attractions.

And Jacob, I wanted to sob, sweet, sweet Jacob. I wanted nothing more than to hold him in my arms and never let him go. He was supposed to be mine, destined to be mine. Edward was a bump in the road in our relationship. If I had known, or if Edward had came to Fork's a year later, Jacob would have been mine. Jacob would have never imprinted since Renesmee would have never been born. She's just a replacement me.

I stopped and stared at a tree as the wheels in my head started turning faster than ever before. Jacob said that an imprint is until death and when an imprint dies, the wolf unusually kills itself. Jacob should have acted like a regular sixteen year old boy and let me go when he realized that I had chosen Edward. But no, he continued to pursue me and the pack had let him.

Did Jacob imprint on me? When I was turned into a vampire, I technically died and Renesmee was half me, she was all that was left of my human self. Did Jacob's imprint on Renesmee only happen because I died?

Jacob was supposed to be mine! If only I had known…

What would have done if I had known? I was too obsessed with Edward to even notice that Jacob had truly loved me. I probably would have told him that he had to ignore the imprint because I just wanted to be friends with him. Maybe I would have told him to stay away to see if he could break the imprint. I let out a dry sob as I thought of the Life I could have had with Jacob if I never succumbed to Edward.

Two beautiful children, a little girl named Sarah Renee Black after our mom's and a little boy Charles William Black after our dad's. My two little angles, perfect little children with Jacob's everything but my eyes. I had ruined all my chances of that life, ruined my chances of a normal life with ordinary kids who age normally and who I would have been able to take to kindergarten and dress without Alice hovering behind me telling what looks good on them and what doesn't and be able to feed them without my throat burning. I could have been the one that my kids go to when they are scared or have nightmares without five other vampires all huddled around them before I could get there.

I wanted a family with Jacob, just me and Jacob and our kids living in a small family house.

I could have had that; I could have had that life with two kids and a loving husband if I hadn't been so stupid!

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**Please Review!**

**I want to know if I should leave it a one shot or continue and make it a full story.  
**


	2. Are You Able To?

Chapter 2

Are You Able To?

Maybe I have become bitter; I can never see the beauty of being a vampire anymore. When I look in the mirror or at any vampire, all I see is a monster. It doesn't matter if we drink off animal blood; a living creature is still dying. I still see the look of disgust on Jacob and the pack's face every time we go hunting or Renesmee is drinking a cup of blood. We really did spoil Renesmee to much. We even go out and bring her bags of animal blood just so she could doesn't have to hunt and she would drink it from a cup as if it was juice.

If I could only turn back time, I thought. I would spend more time with my mom and I would be nicer to Charlie. I would appreciate everything that they did for me and I would not be such a selfish kid.

Over the past two hundred years I had a lot of time to think about my human life. I was so selfish, I should have just listened to my head and instincts and not my childish heart.

I have matured so much and I've grown out of my awkwardness and I would change so much. I would change my style; I would, and be more outgoing I would be a different person. I would have spent more time with Angela, a sleepover maybe. I gave a sad chuckle as I remembered how when Edward left and everyone avoided me, Angela was the only one who actually tried to help me. I most likely would have avoided Jessica and Mike and Eric and I would have definitely avoided Tyler's van.

"Such precious memories," A low, female voice said.

I jumped and crouched at the sound of the voice. I can't believe that I couldn't sense her approach.

I looked up and saw a tall female with long black hair and dark skin. She was more beautiful than Rosalie or the Denali sisters.

She was staring at me with black eyes; it was a one of those piercing into you're soul type stares that made me feel small and defenseless. I snarled at her, and she shook her head and I think she might have rolled her eyes at me.

"Oh stop that." She said dismissively. "You look like a wild animal."

I snarled again, it was instinct. I didn't like doing it, it made me _feel_ like a wild animal but it was vampire instinct. I really wished that I was human again. I don't even care if I was a weak, clumsy human, I just want my humanity.

"I have had so many chances to make it real for so many vampires but they didn't deserve it." She sighed as if it was the saddest thing. "You do though; you have the perfect chance to go back. You chose to become a vampire so your change is avoidable."

I straightened up as I heard 'go back' and 'change is avoidable'. Was she really talking about what I had been thinking?

She went on "This _life_ had nothing left for you, you have knowledge and experience. It's not like you leaving will affect anyone in this time."

"What are you talking about?" I demanded

She frowned at me "For someone who is supposedly smart, you're a bit slow. I'm going to give you you're humanity back." She said slowly.

I frowned, did she mean bring me back in time and turn me human or turn me human now and leave me in this time. I knew that I couldn't survive as a human in this time without the Cullen's. I have no home, no family, and I don't know anyone outside of the Cullen's.

If I could return to being human before I met Edward and the Cullen's, everything would be different and I would have a different relationship with everyone.

'Leech Lover' I remembered the pack calling me when I was human, mostly Paul and Leah.

Leah had the most insults for me than anyone I've ever known.

'Sparkle for me' I remembered Leah mutter when the sun was out on day.

I even remember Charlie saying 'my daughter has been turned into a demon' to Sue when I was going to visit him.

I miss my dad and my mom, I knew that Jacob and Seth and Leah missed their parents also. We all had been depressed for a long time after their deaths. Mostly Seth, it was nearly impossible to get a smile from him the year after Sue died. They have to go eternity without their families because I was selfish.

"Do you have the power to do that?" I asked

She frowned "Of course?"

"How?" I asked, maybe I was asking too many questions but I want to make sure that this is really happening.

"There's a Father Time and there's a Mother Time, I am Mother Time." She explained "Although I have been called witch before."

"You can give me my humanity?"

"Of course, and you can be with Jacob without that daughter of yours in the way. I make no promises that the Cullen's wont bother you, though. Alice had had a vision of you with Edward a week before you move to Forks; she's going to be pretty adamant about making it a reality."

"I don't care, I can resist the Cullen's this time and I will make sure not to get involved in them and their lives."

She nodded "Good luck, and remember what Brigham Young had once said," She looked me in the eye with her black eyes "You educate a man, you educate a man. You educate a woman, you educate a generation."

Then the world darkened.


	3. Mom

Chapter 3

Mom

"Bella, wake up Bella sweetie."

My eyes snapped open and I came face to face with my mother, my eyes started to sting as I looked into the blue eyes of my mom. I let out a sob as she pulled me into her arms. I felt safe, and warm. My mom, I missed her so much. I tightened my arms around her as I continued to sob.

"Oh Bella, you don't have to go to Forks tomorrow." She said softly.

"No!" I practically screamed.

She looked at me with confusion.

"I really want to go, I miss everyone in Forks and I need some quality time with Charlie. I'm just really going to miss you." I said

"Oh baby." She said "I'm making breakfast." She grinned, obviously trying to cheer me up.

I grinned also "I'll be right there; I'll just take a shower first."

I smiled as I watched her walk out, after two hundred years I see my mom again but I would be leaving today. I went to my closet to pick out my clothes and stumbled over my own feet. I couldn't help but stop and stared incredulously at my feet. After two hundred years of incredible grace, it was so strange being clumsy. It was strange to not be able to walk as fast as a vampire, my reflexes so slow, and my brain not feeling as spacious.

I went to my closet and frowned at the lack of, well, anything. There were clothes that were either too large or to small in there. I ended up settling on a large blue shirt with jeans. I picked them up and walked to the bathroom.

After a relatively long shower, I put on the clothes and went to the kitchen. I couldn't help the smile that came on my face as I watched my mom put the bread in the toaster and Phil cook eggs and bacon.

I took a deep breath and my stomach growled, the first time in so long I have been able to smell food without wanting to puke. I didn't feel any venom pooling in my mouth, just saliva.

I walked to the table and sat down, still watching my mom dance to music inside her head.

"Hey Bells!" Phil greeted when he noticed me, he put a plate of steaming eggs and bacon in front of me before going to get the fridge to get some juice.

I stared at the eggs. It's been so long since I ate actual food.

I picked up my fork and took a small bite, my taste buds nearly exploding. I took a larger bite before I started to chow down my food.

"Slow down Bella, you're eating like you haven't eaten in a decade." My mom laughed.

I laughed along with her. _More like two hundred years_, I thought. I choked slightly while I ate but quickly washed it down with orange juice. I nearly moaned when the bacon touched my mouth, it was so good.

"Bella, what do you want to do today, it's out last day before you leave." My mom pouted.

I thought about it and thought about my boring closet.

"Can we go shopping?" I asked her, I wanted to spent time with my mom and get new clothes. I don't want anything showy or flashy, I wanted something cute and to catch Jacob's attention.

My mom gaped at me; she knew that I didn't like shopping. I couldn't help but smile at the look on her face.

She then broke out in an ear to ear grin. "Go brush your teeth and put on some shoes so we can go already!" She squealed as she went to find her purse.

After brushing my teeth, I picked out black converse to wear. Clothes really have changed from now to the future. I shook my head, no, I will not think about that life anymore. I have a second chance and that future life with the Cullen's is not going to happen.

I went outside but took a moment to stand in the sun and take it in. It felt so nice. I got in the car and watched everyone outside as mom drove, she continued talking about how fun it would be to shop and all the new clothes we could get.

"How about this?" My mom said, picking up a multi floral vest top dress when we entered the store. Man, I've spent way too much time with Alice and her stupid shopping trips that she had forced on me.

I made a face before smiling; I really have to be nice today since I am probably going to stay in Forks, or La Push, for the rest of my life.

"It's really nice, mom." I said

She put a hand to my forehead "Are you sure you're feeling alright?" She asked.

I laughed and said "Yes," before moving on to look at some jeans; my mom was still staring suspiciously at me.

After three hours and much my feet killing me, we had decided to go home. We had so many shopping bags and shoes it wasn't even funny. Mom even bought me a pair of heels; I was so going to fall on my butt.

I spent the rest of the day at the beach with my mom. It was nice spending time with her; she still thought I was sick though.

I couldn't explain the feeling of satisfaction I had as I drifted off to sleep.


	4. Dad!

I woke up to the sound of my alarm very early the next morning. It was the day I would go to Forks.

_Jacob!_ My mind though excitedly.

After my shower and a quick breakfast, I got dressed in a loose grey tee with black leggings and grey converse.

I was so excited that I had a bounce to my step as I walked to the car, my suitcases in the back already. I spent the entire car ride half listening to my mom sobbing and telling me how much she would miss me and half thinking of what I would do when I got to Forks to avoid the Cullen's.

"Oh, my baby!" My mom cried as she nearly crushed me in her hug when we arrived at the airport. I gave a sad smile as I hugged her back, I just got my mom back but now I'm going to have to leave. I tried thinking positive thoughts, though. I was going to see, Charlie, and Billy, and Jacob. I internally sighed dreamily as I thought of Jacob, my sun, my sweet Jacob.

I snapped out of it when my mom hugged me tighter. I gave her what I hope was an encouraging smile.

"I'll be alright, mom." I assured her, _I'm going to have a strong shape-shifter boyfriend soon, _I thought but said "I miss Charlie and Billy and all the others." I left out Jacob because I knew if I said his name, mom would delay me for at least another half hour.

After nearly ten entire minutes of trying to calm my mom down and prying her off of me, I was on the plane.

I pulled out a book from my bag; I had gotten over the classics since I read then to many times to be interesting anymore. It was a relatively new book from called _Just A Few Years_. It was about a twenty year old woman who falls in love with a sixteen year old boy. Forbidden love more interesting when there is an age barrier rather than a species barrier, I thought.

Charlie was waiting just outside the terminal gates with his hands in his pocket. He obviously just came from work, as he was still in his uniform.

I nearly tripped when I was running to him; I tackled him in a hug as tears stung my eyes. Thirty-five years after I was changed, I had found out that Charlie had died. That was the first time when I started to regret my decision to become a vampire because I had never visited him.

Charlie chuckled as he hugged me back, although his hug was slightly more awkward.

"I missed you so much, daddy." I said, surprising myself. I really felt like a little girl seeing her dad after so many years that the word "daddy" just came out of nowhere.

He was surprised to but smiled softly and said, "I missed you too, Bells."

"Hey dad, can we stop by the bookstore and the grocery store first?" I asked when we got to the car.

"Sure, kiddo."

I grinned at the nickname, happy to be with my dad again. I really regret being the daughter I was to Charlie when I was with Edward. Charlie knew there was something of about Edward and I just yelled at him and hurt his feelings. I knew that Charlie was trying to be a good father and didn't have much experience since Renee had taken me away at such a young age and I haven't been to Forks in a long time, but I was more concerned about keeping Edward and his family's vampire secret remain a secret. I would make it up to Charlie, I thought to myself, even if I haven't done it in this time.

After stopping at the bookstore in Seattle to get the book on Quileute Legends I knew that I would need for later just to explain how I knew so the pack doesn't get suspicious, we headed to the grocery store since I knew how empty Charlie's fridge would be besides fish.

I picked out more food than Charlie thought was necessary but I am a pro chief now, I've spent my time in cooking schools when there was nothing to do. Just about every collage I went to, I always sighed up for the cuisine courses. I was at the top of every class, thank you vampire memory. I'm actually surprised that I remember everything now, I thought it would be like a book I read where the main character slowly started to lose her memory of the future but apparently it's not like that in real life, I guess.

Charlie was talking about the truck now; I couldn't help but smile when I heard about my favorite bucket of metal. I really had missed my truck, despite all its faults and problems. The Cullen's only used shiny new cars; even Edward gave up his beloved Volvo when a new (Aka better) one came out. Alice even told me when I asked if I could keep my truck "As Cullen's there is a certain status we must hold, silly Bella. We can't drive rusty scrap metal pieces when we could easily buy new cars whenever we want."

"Humans need to know that we are better than them." Rosalie had added as she walked past us. I really hated that they still refer to the non-supernatural's as humans when I was just human the year before or the fact that Renesmee, who they all adore is half human or even the fact that they all were humans before turning into vampires.

I nearly ran out of the car when I saw my rusted old red truck out in the drive way, it looked much better now than when I last saw it.

I was examining it when Charlie came up, "You like it?" He asked me, almost shyly.

I grinned "I love it," I said "is this the truck you were talking about?" I asked, although I already knew.

He blushed "Yeah."

I hugged him while saying "Thank you."

He coughed awkwardly before patting my back and letting go. I grinned at his awkwardness as he went to pick up my bags. I am really energetic today; maybe I just missed everyone to much.

"Jacob and Billy are coming over in a few hours to see you."Charlie told me, lifting two of my larger suitcases.

"Really?" I didn't even try to hide my excitement.

Charlie raised an eyebrow at my excitement "Yeah, you seem happy."

"I really missed Jacob." I said before quickly adding "And Billy!"

Charlie chuckled before heading to the door "I'll put these in your room then."

I felt my face redden to a dark blush and tried to picked up one of my suitcases and nearly fell over at the weight. I keep forgetting that I don't have my vampire strength anymore.


	5. Jacob!

Chapter 5

Jacob!

I didn't want to show off with my advance cooking skills to much, and draw suspicion so I just made fried fish and mash potatoes. Charlie had told me he was just going to order pizza but I wanted to impress Jacob with my cooking skills today so I made sure to get his immediate attention.

"Smells good, Bells." Charlie said, coming downstairs. He had changed out of his uniform and into a flannel shirt and jeans with his boots.

"Thanks, dad."

"How did you learn how to cook?" He asked, adjusting the sleeves on his shirt.

"Mom had forgotten to pay the bills once and the only channel we could take was the Food Network. I found it pretty interesting so I just stuck with it and learned a few things. I also took a cooking class back in Phoenix." I half-lied as I set the plates.

Before Charlie could say anything, the sound of a truck pulling in caught our attention. I looked down at myself, I was still in the loose grey shirt, black leggings, and converse I was in this morning and I had to make sure that there weren't any stains of it from when I was cooking.

I smiled at myself and walked to the door, Charlie was outside talking to them.

I stood in the doorway and looked at them. The moment my eyes laid on Jacob, I was unable to resist.

"Jacob!" I screamed as I flung myself at him.

"Whoa! Hey Bella" Jacob Laughed as he hugged me back.

"I missed you." I said, looking in his eyes. Man, I forgot how beautiful his eyes were. I hope one of our kids have his eyes, okay, I'm getting a little ahead of myself.

His face reddened and I fought the urge to giggle at how cute he was, "I missed you, too."

A throat cleared from behind him and we both turned to look. Our dad's were watching with amused looks.

I slowly, and grudgingly, detangled myself from Jacob and turned to Billy. I smiled at him as I leaned down to give him a hug, "Good to see you again, Billy."

"You too, Bells." He smiled at me as he let go. "I'm surprised that you even remember us."

I laughed "Yeah, well…I can't forget the best people in the world!"

"Alright, let's go in and eat." Charlie said as we all made out way to the house.

I walked close to Jacob, but not close enough so he thinks that I'm weird, but for him to know I like him.

"This is really good." Charlie complemented as we ate.

"You have a talent." Billy added

I blushed, "Thank you."

I looked over to Jacob on my left and saw that he was staring at me. I couldn't contain a giggle when I saw a small bit of mash potatoes on the corner of his lip.

Without really noticing what I was doing, I lifted my napkin and gently wiped off the mash potatoes.

His face reddened like a rip tomato and I felt my face start to heat up also when I realized what I just did, and in front of our dad's too.

A throat cleared and we both turned to see our dad's watching us with amused smiles.

"So, Bella," Billy started "Have you seen around town yet."

"No," It wasn't really a lie.

"Jacob was going to get some parts for his car tomorrow, maybe he could show you."

I could help but smile, our dad's were trying to set us up.

"If that's okay with Jacob, I would love to." I looked at Jacob.

Jacob stared at me, his face red and his mouth open. I raised an amused eyebrow at him.

"Uh, sure, yeah that'll be great." He grinned and I couldn't help but do the same. That was my grin, my Jacob before he turned into a wolf and had all this stress on his shoulders.

An hour later, Jacob and Billy were ready to leave and Charlie and I were seeing them out. I didn't want Jacob to leave, I just got him back. I knew I would see him again tomorrow, though.

"Bye, Jake," I said, wrapping my arms around him for a hug. I felt him wrap his arms around me and I just wanted to stay that way for eternity.

"Bye, Bella."

We reluctantly pulled back and smiled at each other. I wanted to kiss him so bad but I knew that I couldn't since, for him, this is the first time we saw each other since we were little kids and not to mention our dad's were watching.

"I'll see you tomorrow." I smiled softly at him. He blushed and nodded before going to the truck where Billy was already seated in the passenger's seat.

"Bye Billy," I waved and smile at Jake once more before going back inside the house.

"You must've really missed Jacob." Dad pointed out.

"Yeah, most definitely." I grinned at him. "Night, dad."

"Night, Bells."

I went up to my room and lay on my bed, a large smile on my face. Resisting the urge to play Taylor Swift and dancing around the room singing out loud, I changed into my pajamas and go to bed.


End file.
